After a few shots of tequila........

I know my posts tend to be a little rambling, but hey, that's what's going on in my head. Scary huh? Anyway, I can't drunk dial tonight because there is NO ONE to dial, so I will share my thoughts with you.....

The reason I say there is no one to dial is because, I can't dial the first love of my life, Alex. He's my ex-husband, I don't think his wife would appreciate it. I can't dial my boyfriend Dan because, in all honesty, (and you will get honesty thanks to 'Pepe Lopez premium Tequila') I really don't like my boyfriend. He's great because of all the monatary 'gifts' he provides. Har, har. All of those who are booing and hissing at me now, have a Cosmo, watch an episode of 'Sex in the City' and be happy. And I won't dial the second and last love of my life, we'll call him 'Ed', :) because he has moved to Arizona to have a child with a girl who he's, and I quote, "not physically attracted to, but I love her personality" end quote. Gag! Do you believe that shit??

The thing is, the last love of my life, aka 'Ed', whom I, to this second in time love with everything in me, has a website. For some reason I cannot stop myself from going to it about 20 times a day and doing this whole song and dance for myself. You know the drill, you get pissed, then sad, then mad and you run around the house ranting and raving at anything and everything. And the only thing you end up doing is scaring your cats. It's pathetic, I will admit, I'm being pathetic. I can't help it, girl you know. And ladies you also know. Why do we put ourselves at the mercy of these men? They are off doing their own thing, not giving us a second thought. And we're scaring the living shit out of our cats and thinking to ourselves 'deep down they really miss me, they're just busy'. Wake up sunshine!! They have completely moved on or are doing their own thing and will only call on us when they need us for something only we can do or are in town and horny.

You also know that drill, the one where he call's in the middle of the night, drunk, out of the blue, and either wants you to come pick him up, yes I'm guilty of that, or just wants you to come over so he can get some, I'm guily of that also. 'Ed' plus me equals fire, literally, no kidding, fabulous sex, for five years... And we love them so much and want to see them so much that we do it, even though deep down we know what's going on, but we wish to ignore it and live in our own little twisted world, where love always prevails. This isn't Snow White, love doesn't always prevail. Harsh reality, I know.

But you know what? I'm still going to get 'Ed' back, because in my own little twisted world, which trust me, is really twisted, he really DOES love me and will be back soon, personality only lasts so long, good sex lasts forever! Hee, hee.......

What "Behaving" Brings You

Well, I think I just talked to the most boring man on earth.

I met him on eHarmony-- yeah, ok, shut up-- and we've been talking back-and-forth through their email system for about a month, until last week, when he called me.

I wish he had lost my number.

I think if I didn't talk we would sit there and listen to each other breathe. I only wish I were kidding. I have to blather on and then after I get quiet, and he doesn't say anything-- for like 1 whole minute-- then I have to think up something to ask him so he can talk for about 2 minutes.

I wonder how long he would last in sex. I shudder to think.

My problem is that I am too nice to say you know what, you suck, this sucks, you can in no way measure up to what I need. I mean, really. Why on earth would he call me again when the last conversation was so painful? Then again, why did I answer???

Here's what I know about him (assuming he isn't lying): he has a good job, he owns his own land, he seems to be quite intelligent, he likes animals, he goes to church, he can sing-- this is important-- he likes to go to auctions, he has NEVER raced his car, he likes FERRIS WHEELS over roller coasters, would NEVER jump out of an airplane, and has an affinity for TRACTORS.

You know, when I write this all out I am positive I MUST BE OUT OF MY MIND IF I ANSWER THE TELEPHONE THE NEXT TIME HE CALLS. This is not someone who I can date, let alone anything else, when talking to him is less fun than a trip to the gynecologist. Speaking of, I have a VERY STRONG FEELING he is a huge VIRGIN.

Screw it, I need a real man-- like Mr. Phone Sex.

Do me a favor, if I talk to this guy on the phone again please beat me about the head. Remind me what it's like to have to have sex with a virgin. Ugh, I shutter at the thought of it, though I'm sure it would be over pretty fast.

Tell me again why I decided to behave...?

Phone Sex-- Yes, I Admit To It....

OK, if you haven't had phone sex, then you haven't experienced one of life's truly bizarre yet fairly erotic activities. Well, that is if you do it right. Just like real sex, fake sex can be a complete disappointment with the wrong partner or if you think too much.

That's the main key to it, don't think, just talk. Use your imagination and start thinking about your fantasy. It doesn't have to even be about the person you are talking to. It actually might be better if it isn't-- just don't slip up and call out Brad Pitt's name, that gets a little messy. Anyway... just start telling him what you will do to him. Guys don't really need a set-up, but you might want to fix a place in your mind....

Actually, that reminds me, make sure you get comfortable! Never have phone sex (hereafter PS) in a position you wouldn't have real sex in. For example, I was having PS in my office chair and almost died when I fell over backward in it. This was not smart. It ruined the mood and I nearly had to go get stitches. Can you imagine the explanation to the ER doctor: "Well you see, doc, I was having phone sex and I got a little rowdy and tipped my chair over." Not my idea of a good time. Don't do it in a chair on wheels. Learn from my mistakes.

Anyway, when I am going to go this whole fantasy route I find the best place to actually have PS is in my bed. Duh, I know, but you wouldn't believe the places guys will have phone sex. Of course, who cares what they're doing as long as it is profitable for us, right? Anyway, I might have to run a scenario through my head about how I actually get him to the bedroom, but then from there I am set.

By the way-- I don't think I am behaving right now in telling you any of this. It is definitely not setting a good example for you. Of course, I had PS a couple of days ago so then... does it matter? Oh well.

OK, so anyway, the bed is where it's at. You can do your wild thing and then roll over and go to sleep. Men do it all the time, right? Well, in this special case we are totally uninhibited, right, so why not? They will never know we are as shallow as they are.

Anyway, so you get comfortable, and don't forget to make sure YOU have a good time. Men like to hear what you'll do to them, but you better make sure they take care of you, girl! That's how I fell over in that chair....

Anyway, DO NOT be shy in expressing yourself. For one thing, the hotter you sound, the hotter they get and the more willing they can become to take care of you, too. So, you have to string them along-- tell them what you will do to them, but then put yourself in their hands and ask them point-blank what they would do for you. If they want you to keep going they WILL make it work for you. You have to control the situation, because just like with real sex men will run a fast race. Don't let them off the hook!

Now, I have to admit that I have absolutely serviced a man during PS and not gotten anywhere myself... well, during the call anyway. BUT, the weirdest one I ever had was this guy I met on eHarmony-- yeah, so, shut up. Anyway, Praval was in grad school and had housemates who would not have approved of his long-distance indiscretion. So, he asked me if he could call me and listen to me, well, pleasure myself. Well, I thought, who am I to judge???

So, yes, he called, and yes I made myself right at home. I have to admit it was really weird because he couldn't say anything, and I frankly decided that I was just going to enjoy myself and not worry about him, he could take care of himself. I'm not really sure if he listened to the whole thing or not. Let's just say I had a really good time and then I hung up. That was easy. Is that wrong? Nah.

So, anyway, can you imagine the wild sex you can have with Brad Pitt while actually making some guy think it's all about him? Of course, for all you know he's with Angelina Jolie. Well, keep it in the family I say, I could care less just as long as I hit the roof a couple of times!

Warning: what to say at the end of the "conversation" can be awkward. For instance, my PS from a couple of days ago. We were having a regular conversation-- we're just friends, he reminds me of this a lot-- when he starts getting that warm silky sound to his voice that drives me insane. He has a way of saying 'really' that makes me want to rip him up. Shew, hold on, let me go get a glass of water....

OK, I'm cool. So, I know he's getting hot. So I decide to, you know, help things along and start using my purring sex-kitten voice. He falls for it. He gets quiet and then he says, "Ooo, I'm so horny right now." And I think, duh. So then I play the game with him. I have to admit I both love and hate him. He makes me so hot, and yet he keeps me at a distance, but yet I can still picture his penis. This is not fair.

Anyway... so afterward, when we have finally gotten ahold of ourselves (ha) we were running out of time on our phone card-- long story-- and so he was like, "Well, it was good to talk to you and (blah blah blah) and thanks for, well, you know, everything."

Uh-huh. What else can you really say while holding the receiver and not your lover? "Can you hear me now? Good...."

So, anyway, be prepared. Your PS man will be as big of, or even bigger, an idiot on the phone than after real sex. He will not have a clue what to say, and not having to look you in the eye will not help. So be prepared. Be ready to be all like, oh yeah, whatever, see ya. Of course, PS can end up making you even more desirable so try to gauge where he's at before you get too flip. Every once in awhile you find a keeper in a PS man.

Well, I hope that helps you. PS is truly something unique. And, of course, the pinnacle of safe sex! Nobody ever got an STD or pregnant from AT&T that I'm aware of. So you might as well get the most out of your long-distance plan and have phone sex.

You know, I was thinking, I really ought to get one of those hands-free headset phones.... ttyl

Oh my gosh, it hit me....

Okay, I'm not sure how much sense this is going to make, I just got a sudden urge to write, so here it goes.

I was standing over in my neighbor's house, the neighbor that is currently my boyfriend, and I just realized the gravity of the situation, the situation that has been my life. Girl, you know what I'm talking about, so this should make sense to you, we'll fine tune later.

Anyway, I was standing in the dining room, which is of course the most 'active' room in the house and it dawned on me: I'm standing where my former lover's bedroom used to be. We had so many great times in that house, and right now I'm standing right where it all happened. Where it all happened a lifetime ago.

The house looks completely different now. Dan, my current boyfriend, has totally remodeled it. But to me it's still the same 'space', it has the same feeling. I just could not hardly wrap my brain around the fact that, as Dan kissed me on the cheek, that this is where it all began. The beginning of the end of my marriage.

It's where I let it all happen. That dining room was his bedroom and I can still feel the energy, it's such a strange feeling, I can't describe it. I just can't believe that 13 years ago, I moved into my house, and the then little boy looked out the window and developed an immediate crush on me.

He was 13 years old, the age of my son now. A boy, a child, that I let completely change the course of my life. And that house, can you believe that I'm dating the guy that lives there now??? What is up with that house? It's completely changed in looks, but it's still the same feeling for me when I walk in.

I know I'm rambling; I'll worry about grammar later. :)

I just can't shake the feeling of how ironic everything is. I'm sitting here wondering what course of events is going to happen in my life next. For right now, though, I'm stuck on the thought of how my marriage ended and the reality of what really happened. If I write it down and actually lay the facts all out, it just seems unreal. Almost 6 years ago, I let the then neighbors' son into a place in my heart where he sould not have been. I always think everything happens for a reason, but oh my gosh....

(Jan, I'm going to have to spell this out better later, my creative streak is lagging right now.)

This is hilarious....

Girl, I heard the funniest thing last night! I was watching "Shear Genius" on Bravo and this one hairdresser Tabatha hates this other one Tyson (he is a bit of a wiener) so she called him "fig jar".

This is great. Fig Jar stands for F%!# I'm Great Just Ask Me -- with which I realize I must now christen my business partner, Paul. He's so self-absorbed it is PERFECT!!! And, of course, he will have no clue what I am really calling him.

Ah, life is sweet sometimes.... Big ol' fig jar, nah, nah, nah!!!