A Near-Sex Experience

I had a very surreal experience yesterday. The experience in and of itself wasn't terribly unusual, a naughty girl, a naughty waiter... not a terribly unusual situation for me. Throw in my mom and my Latino business partner and now you have some freaky stuff.

OK, my mom and I went to one of my favorite restaurants in Columbus, Ohio. Every time I am in Columbus I make it a priority to eat there-- awesome food, fun environment, gotta do it. Not terribly unusual.

Our waiter came to the table and I behaved myself, made some of my usual jokes, you know, "I'll take a beer-- root beer" kind of thing. My usual self, slightly amusing (to myself anyway) and chipper. Well, Mr. Waiter, Bill, rubbed my shoulder the whole time and kept winking at me. I'm thinking to myself, "OK, good waiter, wants good tip, smart man, keep up the good work, honey."

He left our table (nice butt, too) and my mom was like, "He was really flirting with you!"

I thought, "Oh sure, I decide to behave myself for the rest of my life and then here comes this hot guy to mess with my mind. Well, can't get too bad since Mom's here." Uh-huh, sure, whatever: "Come on Mom, he's gay. He's being nice to me to get a nice tip." She settles back to watch.

So, I'm still behaving and he's still flirting, so I mini-flirt back-- doesn't hurt, right? Then I get a text message from my biz partner, let's call him Paul, who is from another country. I kind-of have a thing for him and he frequently lets me know he doesn't have one for me. Anyway, we text back and forth, no biggie. 'Til I get this text about the Virgin Mary (long story) and I'm reading it and Bill sneaks up behind me and reads it, and asks, "Virgin Mary? Is that your name?" He rubs my back some more.

"Not for a long time, honey," I impulsively reply, and he gets a huge grin and says, "I bet, Mary." Wink, wink.

OK, now, I study his face a bit and realize he looks an awful lot like an old flame of mine, Bobby who I never had 'closure' with-- who looks like Jude Law, yum-- and I start to have mental pictures of what I would like to do to this boy. (By the way, he's 4 years older, divorced, 3 daughters, and FINE.)

I get a text from Paul who after finding out we're in that restaurant which he loves says, "U suck. Tell your Mami (Spanish for Mom) hi and a kiss for her. No kiss for you." Mmhmm, OK, kiss my....

Anyway, so I text back it's OK I'm getting some from the waiter. (In my head anyway....) I know this is going to be bad, but I can't stop myself, like gawking at a car crash-- I need to stop this now, but I can't, Paul must squirm.

In the interim I am playing with the paddle the bread came on and make paddling motions with it. Gee, who would walk up then but Bill. And what should escape my mouth when he says, "And what are you doing, Mary?", but "Practicing my S&M moves, baby."

Bill is delighted to hear it and bends down to whisper in my ear, "And I would like to finish it; I like to play hard."

"Oh Bill, you should be afraid, very afraid."

"Nothing scares me, Mary."

I smile slyly. He rubs my hand with his thumb and my back with his other hand. I believe him, and I would like to help him do it. I start thinking about what that might be like, feeling how warm his hands are-- pondering the dark places to hide in the restaurant. Where was the bathroom in this place...?

Then I remember my mother is watching this. She is mortified. Thankfully Bill moves on (nice butt).

Paul texts back that they won't be awesome Latin kisses-- he thinks he's quite the gift to women-- and so I lie a little and say, "No they're sweet Italian kisses, he's beautiful." Bill is not Italian that I can tell. But I figure this will piss him off. I was oh so right.

He does not text back. I cannot let it lie. So I text, "Bill says hi." No response. Oops.

Well, Bill keeps stopping by to fondle, flirt and fluster-- I am like between a rock and his hard place. My mom is mortified at some of the things I come back at him with-- and I was behaving! If she only knew.... If she only hadn't been there.... If only he didn't live 2 hours away-- Virgin Mary I don't think so!!!

So, anyway, he thankfully brings the bill and we pay and before he can come back I'm like, "Let's go now!!!" My mom is only too happy to comply. No point in dragging this out, Bill. Goodbyes are so hard....

So we escape the restaurant without Bill knowing it. There's no point. I AM TRYING TO BEHAVE for crying out loud! Talking about it is one thing, gets the motor runnin', proves I still have it, gives me someone new to fantasize about... but there's no point in leaving the door open for meaningless awesome sex, right? Right? Tell me I'm right. At least lie to me!

My mom and I have a few laughs at Paul's expense in the car because he didn't text back-- made him mad, I guess. For someone that doesn't want to be with me he sure gets awfully jealous when I flirt with other guys or don't tell him where I am going. He drives me nuts.

So, a couple of hours pass when he texts, "Bill who?"

Aha! We have him. I knew he would have to bite eventually.

"My Italian... I'm done with him for now, though. I'm at my grandma's, say hi?"

He loves my granny and she loves him back. I knew he would have to say hello. And he does. And so I text her response back. He texts her back, and I reply again, and then let him know we're leaving. I knew he was mad and he wouldn't text back.

Haven't heard from him yet... oops.

My mom kept saying, "TMI, TMI, TMI!!!" in the car. Sometimes I feel like I need to educate her about sex.... I am convinced she and my dad had sex 4 times. Once for me, once for my brother, once when I was in grade school (I stepped on the rubber in their bedroom), and once when my brother and I heard their bed springs squeak one night.

I believe it started with her saying something about the things I said to him and I replied, "At least I didn't tell him, 'I lick you very much'."

"TMI, TMI, TMI!"

"What?"

"I don't even want to think about that!"

I thought, "Ah, Ma, if you only knew the crazy things I've done, let alone talked about doing, with men. Your head would spin around and pea soup would fly out your mouth."

"I didn't say what I was going to lick-- you have a sick mind," I replied.

I did have to remind my mom that I was behaving myself and Bill started it. She had to agree. I am convinced, though, that naughty people just have a sense about other naughty people and are drawn to each other-- like that moth to a flame. And it does get VERY HOT!!!

I know we spent the rest of the hour in the car TMI-ing. My poor mom, she really hasn't had good sex. I hope she finds some hot guy to make it right. She deserves it. Every woman deserves it. But if she does, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT-- TMI!!!